David February 5, 2021

David has some kind of cancer.  I don't even know.  Like gall bladder, biliary whatever.  He's about to have a biopsy, today, Friday, after being at Dana Farber since Sunday.  What we've learned is that the cancer isn't so much in the liver as it is in the gall bladder.  And what we've learned even without the biopsy is that it's not curable.  Treatable, but not curable.  And the little I see when I'm brave enough to go online is that who really cares because he is going to die soon.  So I guess what I do care is that any treatment gives him some quality of life.

I have never felt so sad or so lost or so mad.  And I know this is probably typical.  Just writing it down. Maybe the girls will read it someday.  Maybe it will help me while I wait to get to the place where I'm better about things- that happens supposedly, and I believe it must.  How do you get better though when you know the person who is dying doesn't want to die either.  That's one of the hard parts.  I have been through so many times when I've had weird symptoms, been tested to death, and found out everything was okay.  David gets one weird symptom and BAM, MS.  Then he gets another weird symptom and BAM, cancer that's not worth operating on and it is going to kill him but we will still treat it.  It's never been just nothing with him.  It's always a major, shocking, scary thing.  

And yes, there's still COVID, so I dropped him on a side walk at Dana Farber on Sunday night, the girls in the back seat, and we drove back home, and they slept with me, and they have slept with me every night since.  We have daily conversations, sometimes with the PA who is hard to hear.  It wasn't until last night that he met his main oncologist who let him know he's dying.  I wasn't in on that visit.  Probably good.  But I can't see him at all because of COVID, and I feel a little guilty in that it maybe is easier not seeing him looking vulnerable in a hospital bed.  He wants to come home, though, and maybe that will happen tomorrow.  Once they study this biopsy we will know the specific kind of cancer although I guess we don't need to know that to know that it's fatal.  Anyways, that's it for now.

He is a religious man, and I hope this helps him.  I hope that most of all.

We have been so careful about Covid this past year and it turns out it wasn't the thing to watch out for.






 So this is just me whining right now but I can’t believe I’m not going to have David to talk to every day.  Laurie it ends up it’s a curse to do that with the person you live with, talk to them all the time.  Because now it won’t be there.  And he actually listened.  And he would make me furious sometimes because he didn’t just accept what I said if I couldn’t back it up.  He would quietly challenge me, almost like he was this coach to get me to argue better with facts and information. Who will I watch tv with.  How did I ever wish that I could have the house to myself just once.

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